Patrick Leahy: Impregnator-In-Chief

Vermont’s Senator Patrick Leahy, who spent several years as a US Senator not bothering to pass a budget, which is one of his primary responsibilities, has found time over the past few years to help an imprisoned Cuban spy impregnate his wife.

An Impregnation Only A Spy Who Loved Me Could Love.  Or a US Senator.  One or the other.

An Impregnation Only A Spy Who Loved Me Could Love. Or a US Senator. One or the other.

Because, y’know, that’s what Senators do.  I mean, in between being Senator-For-Life (Leahy has been a US Senator since 1975), Leahy visited Cuba in 2013, to learn how Fidel and Raul Castro created a Communist paradise so rich and rewarding for its people they strap themselves to inner tubes and travel north through shark-infested waters in order to be, um, free.  And Leahy was also there to determine whether or not he could help out a spy:

HAVANA (AP) — Cuba is celebrating the return of three intelligence agents imprisoned in the United States for more than a decade, and the joyful but puzzling news that one of their wives is expecting just two weeks from now.  Adriana Perez‘s pregnancy has been the talk of Cuba since she appeared with Gerardo Hernandez at the island’s parliament this weekend. Perez beamed and held hands with Hernandez as he caressed her baby bump, clearly visible beneath a flowing blue dress.

Tim Rieser, foreign policy aide to Leahy, told The Associated Press that it all began with a February 2013 trip to Cuba by Leahy, who has visited the island multiple times since the early 1990s, met with both former and current presidents Fidel and Raul Castro and opposes the U.S. embargo.

Leahy and his wife, Marcelle Pomerleau, a registered nurse, met with Perez, now 44. At the time, Hernandez was still at a federal prison in Victorville, California, serving two life sentences on murder conspiracy and other charges. Cuba had complained repeatedly that the U.S. was denying her a visa to visit her husband.

Well, the United States is crazy like that, denying visas to wives of spies from embargoed countries.  Next we’ll be denying Kim Jong-Un a conjugal visit visa to the Kardashian compound.

I assume Jaws is here only representing the actual jaws that Cubans risk while paddling northward.

I assume Jaws is here only representing the actual jaws that Cubans risk while paddling northward.

U.S. officials had been trying to win better conditions for Alan Gross, an American man who was serving a 15-year sentence in Cuba after he was caught introducing restricted communications equipment as part of a U.S. government democracy program on the island.

Rieser lobbied for Perez to receive a U.S. visa and she was able to visit Hernandez twice in the last year and a half, after apparently only being allowed to see him once before. Rieser also helped another member of the “Cuban Five,” island agents who were serving long prison terms in the United States, access to medicine he needed. He said there was no quid pro quo, however.

Oh, of course there’s no quid pro quo.  It almost seems inappropriate to even bring those three Latin words into the conversation.  But why was Gonzalez in a federal prison in the first place?  No real reason.  Just espionage and conspiracy to commit murder:

The Cuban Five had been sent to South Florida by the Castro government to gather information about exile groups. As part of what was referred to as the Wasp Network, they would infiltrate anti-Castro groups and then send back information to Cuba through what the Associated Press described as “encrypted software, high-frequency radio transmissions and coded electronic phone messages.”

Cuban intelligence officers had been operating in the United States for years and been monitored by various government organizations. However, after Cuban fighters shot down two planes in 1996 that were carrying U.S. citizens working with an exile group, Brothers to the Rescue, the U.S. government began a crackdown. The FBI arrested the Cuban Five in Miami in September 1998.

In June 2001, after a lengthy trial, the five were convicted on espionage charges (Hernández was also found guilty of a conspiracy to commit murder for his involvement in the 1996 incident), and they received sentences that ranged from 15 years to life in prison.  

"And then I said to the spy 'Sure you can impregnate your wife!  I'm a US Senator!  Ha ha ha!  Ha.  Ahem."

And then I said to the spy “Sure you can impregnate your wife! I’m a US Senator!” Ha ha ha! Ha. Ahem.

Are there any other people currently serving time in prison for espionage and conspiracy to commit murder who might also be interested in impregnating their wives?  If so, applications can be forwarded to the Impregnator-In-Chief’s office below.  Please mark all applications as “ATTN:  Senator Hookup”

Washington D.C. Office
437 Russell Senate Impregnation Bldg
United States Senate
Washington, DC 20510
(202) 224-4242



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